Bearded in Buffalo

The Buffalo Bills have been quite a story this year in the NFL.  After continually sucking since the early 1990s, they're tied for first in the AFC East with the New England Patriots.  Let's be honest:  even Bills fans were SHOCKED to see this happen.  They're usually more inept than a mall security guard.  A big part of their turnaround?  A bearded Ryan Fitzpatrick:

(His lockout plan was professional lumberjack)

It's cold in Buffalo, but that's not the only reason why Fitzpatrick is bearded.  He's bearded because he knows quarterbacks are much  more effective while bearded (along with, let's face it, every occupation ever).  Beards help people win, it's just a fact of life.  Oh, and a running game helps, also.

Beards? Always Funny

Today we shift from badass to hilarious at TBO.  When I say 'bearded comedian', who do you think of? 

 (If you thought 'Jim Gaffigan', I am going to force feed you hot pockets until you die)

Ladies and gentlemen, Zach Galifianakis.  Difficult to spell, but hilarious.  With such laugh inducing movies under his belt, including Bubble Boy, G-Force, and Youth in Revolt; it's not tough to see why Zach Galifianakis is a household name.  Want to see a picture of someone who's not funny?

(Mad Men extra, perhaps?)

Sans beard, not funny.  Still a decent actor, but what's the point?  That's like having the 1998 Denver Broncos without Terrel Davis.  It's ok, but it's not fantastic.  And one of the best beards in show business is also one of the funniest.  Why would you deprive the world of that?

Huge Beard > Huge Hair

Long time no see, beard fans.  I've been quite busy (fuckin' law school, man...).  Now, let me just say this:  I hate the Steelers.  I respect them, but I hate them.  You know who I don't hate?  This man:

(The hat only helps.  A lot.)

Defensive End Brett Keisel.  And holy hell, his beard could engineer a coup of a third world country and no one would ever know.  Somali Pirates?  BEARD!  They're done.  He reminds me a lot of that Germanic guy in the beginning of 'Gladiator'.  Only Keisel doesn't lose that badly...usually.

Everything is Better With Beards

Here at TBO, we love all things beard related.  Especially those who come over from the dark side (being not bearded) when they see the light.  Today, we're looking at one in particular.  Don Draper himself, Mr. Jon Hamm.

(Ladies, take note:  He got even sexier)

Every male who can grow a beard, should.  Look what it did for him, just imagine what it can do for you.  It's like superpowers, but for being awesome.

Must See TV: BEARDS!

So it's the new television season.  This is when FOX gets to cancel a show after less than 5 episodes (I'm looking at you, Terra Nova).  But for once, SOME channels are doing things right.  And by 'doing things right', I mean showing BEARDS! 

 

(Archer:  Now with 88% more beard)

Archer debuted last week the the titular character sporting a beard I like to describe as 'awesome as fuck'.  Given that beards make everything better, this show is going to stomp faces like no other this season.  This is even without mentioning the manliest voice actor ever, Patrick Warburton.  That's a whole different boat of awesome. And now, onto Ron fucking Swanson.

(LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BEARD)

This, ladies and gentlemen, is Ron Swanson.  This is ONE DAY after he left, avoiding his first ex-wife (Tammy One).  He keeps ground chuck in his desk, keeps the most awesome survival kit ever, and is all that is man.  If it's red meat, a disregard for government (despite working in it), and whiskey, it's Ron fucking Swanson.

Urge to Kill...Rising...

There are many powers that go along with beards.  Same with mustaches.  They can be a source of authority, means of cowing children and small animals, and as a weapon for fighting bears.  There are those, however, who would use this power for evil.  And by 'evil', I mean 'incredibly stupid fucking reasons'.  Enter the hipster:

(Pictured:  Douchebag)

This entity is the hipster.  They wear $600 jeans with a $2 thrift store t-shirt, and sport facial hair because it's ironic.  It's also worth noting that these things have no idea what irony actually is.  They also drink Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR).  I have no idea why they do this.  If I were interested in drinking horse piss, I'd find a horse.  These individuals (it took a lot to even admit they were people) are not fit to breed, and should probably be sterilized.   They are the epitome of "doing it wrong".

"...I drank what?"

For those of you who don't understand the title, all will become clear in due time (and read a fucking book once in a while).  Today's beard is credited as being one of the founders of Western philosophy, as well as inventing a teaching style known as the Socratic Method (law school haunts me, even when I'm not doing actual 'work'). 

(Not pronounced 'So-crates', Bill and Ted)

The man is none other than Socrates.  He was literally killed for being the smartest motherfucker in Athens (full story here).  He decided it would be better to die, as no true philosopher has a fear of death.  Even when his followers bribed prison guards so he could escape, he didn't.   Instead, he drank hemlock poison and died for his crimes (hence the fake quote for the title, geniuses).  And the man gave us one of the best quotes of all time about marriage:

"By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

For Whom the Bell Tolls...Motherfucker.

Today's beard is all about literature.  And being awesome.  And drunk.  Yup, it's Ernest Hemingway. 

(Everyone seeing this picture has just been impregnated)

 

Hemingway rocked the shit,that's the only way to say it. He drank so much, his liver was harder than diamonds.  He also penned some of the greatest novels of the 20th century.  And the famous, most depressing short story ever:  "Baby shoes, for sale.  never worn".  Jesus, no wonder he ate a shotgun to finish himself off.  Only bad-ass way to finish off a bad-ass.

Survival of the Beardiest

Time for another reference to a man as smart as he was bearded.  As you may have guessed from the title (or maybe not, if you're stupid), I'm referring to none other than Charles Darwin.

(His beard out-thinks all modern scientists)

Darwin was a man amongst men.  He undoubtedly discovered some of the things you had to learn about in school (Origin of species, survival of the fittest, etc).   Motherfucker has over 120 species named after him.  I'm not even sure I could name 120 species.  Touche', Darwin.

I'm Ron F*cking Swanson.

(The caption really says it all)

 

We here at TBO are big fans of TV.  Sadly, I can't watch as much of it as I'd like to because of prior obligations (think twice about law school, kids).  However, one thing I will always make time for is Parks and Recreation.  Most especially, the character posted above, Ron Swanson.  Included is the link to a supercut of Ron's best food-related comments and moments.  And I'll leave you with this quote:

"This hotel always serves bacon-wrapped shrimp.  It's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food.  I'd go to a banquet in honor of those Somali pirates if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp"

Not Just Beards

We here at The Bearded Ones (TBO) embrace all sorts of amazing facial hair.  While I do not agree with pedo-staches, or neckbeards or whatever the hell Sidney Crosby grows on his stupid face, I do agree with handlebar mustaches.  And none were greater than this man:

(Pictured:  Greatness)

For those of you who are uneducated, uncultured sloths that man is Rollie Fingers.  He grew his mustache to win a $300 dollar bonus from the Oakland Athletics owner, and it has become an icon since.  Encouraging such events as 'Mustache Day' at their home stadium, this man was a trailblazer for the players today.  While without beard, this man still stands head, shoulders, and handlebar mustache ahead of others.

Fear the Beard

Look at that fucking beard.  I just peed a little.  This man is a big inspiration for this blog.  He is bringing it back into the mainstream something fierce.  I am a dedicated Phillies fan, but my man-crush isn't on Chase Utley...it's Brian Wilson.

Historic Beards: Emancipation Edition

Of course this is going to be the first 'Historic Beard' posted.  It's the Wayne Gretzky of beards.  This man fights vampires, chops firewood, frees slaves, and rocks a beard.  Oh, and got assassinated for all his good deeds.  Not to mention the epic story of how it got started. 

We Are the Chosen...

This is a blog all about beards, and how awesome they are.  Webster defines a beard as " The hair on a man's chin, cheeks, and throat".  Also, the verb form is "To confront boldly".  Awesome.  Urban Dictionary defines a beard as "Any opposite sex escort taken to an event in an effort to give a homosexual person the appearance of being out on a date with someone of the opposite sex".  These are not the droids we're looking for.

If I was walking down the street and saw two unicorns fucking next to a guy with a sweet beard, I'm looking at the beard (besides, everyone knows unicorns don't fuck.  They make love).  That's how much I love beards. 

We here at The Bearded Ones will have actual interviews with bearded people, plus other noteworthy non-beard related jive.  Posts will come when I'm good and ready, damn it.  And yes, I am fully authorized to write about beards, seeing how it is I own one myself.

I will leave you with our unofficial anthem here at The Bearded Ones...

(Youtube sucks at embedding video, so here's the 'If your dad doesn't have a beard, you've got two moms' video)